23/06/09

Drama. Possibly one of the only things in the entire world that makes me happy. I love the stage, the lights, the people, the ability to be someone other than yourself; I don't crave the attention, I crave the happiness I experience when doing it.
What I want to be more than anything else in the entire world, is a West End Star. Go on. Just say it. It'll never happen. So everyone keeps telling me, it's an unrealistic dream. Well, isn't that what dreaming is meant to be? A state of mind characterised by abstraction and release from reality....It may not ever happen, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming. If you want something badly enough, you'll do anything to succeed.
I've been part of stage schools, theatre guilds, taken part in school productions, been for film auditions, I studied performing arts for GCSE , anything that I can to bring me one step closer to my dream. Unfortunately, I could not take drama for A level, as my school did not teach it to that standard, so I decided to wait until university. Now, it seems my dream has been shattered; a bit dramatic you may say, but, to be told you can't do something you set your mind and soul to...is hard.
I got bullied in to taking subjects I didn't want to take for A levels. My ideal subjects would have been drama (taken at a different school) English literature, film studies and photography. My school isn't keen on the arts, and so will do everything in their power to stop their students from taking (as they say) 'Mickey Mouse subjects' - in other words, easy subjects. I presented my choices to the school and my family and was advised (almost told) not to do those subjects. 'No universities will take you if you take those subjects, they don't reckon them' 'those courses are easy, you need something more academic' 'how do you expect to have a good career ahead of you by taking those subjects' 'an actress? not bloody likely' 'why not take science, spanish, history?!' 'I advise strongly against you taking those subjects' we must insist you do more academic subjects Sarah'
If I could turn back time, I would have said 'f*** you, it's my life, I do what I want to do. I live my life the way I want, thank you'
It's too late now. I took subjects that ruined my life. Religious education, information communication technology, psychology and history. I hated the subjects, too hard, not what I wanted. I'm not an academic person, I'm a person of the arts. Because of my hatred and feeble understanding of the subjects, I failed my AS levels. Well, no, they were passes, just not good enough. If I had taken the subjects I wanted to take, no doubt my results would have been better...so much better.
The fact that I got what I got on my AS levels, I was put on academic review and had to sign a contract to the school saying I could have no free periods in the common room, I had to sign in and go to the library. See no friends, just do work. I was allowed no home study, so I just sat in the library whilst all my friends got to go home, or out for lunch or whatever. Punished for failing something I didn't want to take in the first place. Punished for my mistakes which wouldn't have been made, if I had done what I wanted to do.
I dropped history after AS, couldn't handle it any longer and finally, I stood up and said 'I want to do film studies' 'Sarah, are you sure? what about....' 'NO. I'm doing film studies.'
So, I only have an AS in film but it's better than nothing. I realised from this, that it's not that I'm crap at school, it's just I'm crap at doing what I don't want to do...naturally. I got two As in my film studies coursework, I was so happy. I pray for an 'A' in the exam. Not that any of this will help me right now though...
We had to apply for the universities we wanted to go to, months ago. I applied to two and was given conditional offers. It was only after investigating in to the course that my firm choice university had given me, when I discovered they had given me the wrong course. I had applied for ICT because again, I was told it had more careers available to go into when university was over. I wasn't exactly happy about it, but, I realised that I could become a film editor or indeed anything really, with any degree.
However, the course they gave me was ICT but not a honours degree, it was only a HND diploma course which basically means it is like the first two years of a degree course but without the third year. I was puzzled as to why this course had suddenly been given to me when I had applied for a honours degree in ICT. I was blamed for picking the wrong course code, but I knew for a fact I hadn't.
We finally got in touch with the admissions advisors for the university, I was told by some one at a uni open day that I could change my course if I wanted if it was before the 30th June; this is where I saw my opportunity.
'Sarah, this is where you can finally do what you want to do! be what you want to be! - take drama, film or anything to do with the arts!!' and so, with this in mind, I explained to the lady my trouble and that I wanted to change my course. She said that it was fine and asked what I wanted to change it to. She took my UCASE number and the course code for what I wanted to switch to 'drama and theatre studies' 'okay, one moment she said'
After a longer wait of what seemed to be forever, she came back on the line, and shattered my dream of getting a degree in acting.
"I am afraid that we would not be able to consider your request to change for any of the courses that you have chosen as this is not at the required level. We do not think you will receive enough points to do a honours degree.
We would therefore recommend that on or after August 20th you look at courses that are available through Clearing, by this time you will have also received the confirmed results from your A-levels and your grades may be higher than those that you have been predicted. I am sorry that we are not able to consider your request at present, but hopefully this will change once Clearing opens."
worst.thing.I've.heard.in.my.life.
I gave them a list of subjects I wanted to switch to: drama or theatre studies, or film studies, or photography, or creative events, or film art - not.accepted.for.any.
She then told me that the reason I was offered ICT diploma even though I had applied for an honours degree in ICT was because they thought I would not achieve the points needed for the course.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE FOR YOU TO TELL ME AND NOT JUST CHANGING IT FOR ME.
It all links together. Forced to take subjects I hated - didn't do too well - affects what the universities let me do - so now, I can't do a degree course.
Option they gave me 'lose the place you have now, wait until results day, if you do have enough points for drama, pay to to in to clearing (all the left over places on courses in all universities) and see if there is a place available for you at some university.'
No. Because 'clearing' can send you to any university, anywhere, they can't guarantee it will be near, so no. Also, if I don't get the points needed for the course then I will have no university placement at all.
A higher national diploma is still okay though, because after two years I can stay on an extra year and make it a degree, so it isn't all bad...yeah right. I want to do drama.
All I could do is join the uni drama group. But that won't give me a BA in acting will it? Nooo :|
My last option.
Contact RADA (the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts) See if they let me audition - maybe get a scholarship, if not, pay £4000 a year. I want to act. I want to sing. I want to dance. Nothing or no one is going to stop me.
I feel like bursting in to tears. We only live once. I want to do something worth while. Makes me happy, makes me want to get up in the morning, lets me be who I want to be.
Lets hope I get this chance.