I remember when I was 5; always playing 'grown ups'... I loved that game. Everything seemed so easy back then. It was always easier in the scabby knees, packed lunch days; when you could make friends with any one so easily, and you weren't judged by appearance, interests, personality... you were just, you, and every one liked you for that because they didn't know any different.

Why back then, did I want to be a grown up? What was so appealing? Was is that I could boss every one around? I could do what I wanted? I didn't have to listen to any one? I would be a big girl. ...Sure, I have independence. I have freedom. I'm out living my own life, trying to find my place in this world but, I'd much rather be six, worrying about who would sit with me at the lunch table than dealing with life.
That sounds pathetic. I always look back on my childhood and wish I could relive it over and over again. You don't realise how easy you have it as a kid.

I don't know where I'm going with this point.
I want to fall down a rabbit hole and find wonderland.
Fly to Neverland with peter pan.
Sail out to sea with Robinson Crusoe...

I hate being the oldest. Always having to make the decisions.
I hate knowing I have to handle everything.
I hate where i live.
I hate the constant worrying.
I hate how my family are still trying to be just as controlling as they were.
I hate the fights.
I hate loving someone so much it hurts.
I hate having to try and please so many people.
I hate dealing with bitchiness.
i hate how people judge me.
I hate having so many things to hate in my life.

On the upperhand, I have so many things to be thankful for.
My beautiful girlfriend.
The fact my family, in some sense, support me.
My health. The roof over our heads.Youtube. Friends..
I love you all.

It;s like a puzzle; I find pieces constantly misplaced and it's hard to find them..and piece my life together again.
You won't know the ups and downs of my life, and I don't intend to write a hardbook novel to explain them to you.

I'm just threw with this constant fake smile the majority of the time.
I don't even know any more.

I love her. I know that for sure.
That's it.

Options change/chances fade/ trains derail...

Rant over, I guess.