There's not going to be any 'wording this the right way' or anything, this is what's in my mind.. right now..
I'm always treated the same, by every one. I'm always the third wheel. Always dictated too. Always.. No matter who it is. In the end, whether they love me or not, I'm treated the same.
I've got to a point in my life now where.. I constantly see ways of getting out. It would be so easy.. It really doesn't take much. I've tried before.
I wish I didn't have to think like that, but too many things have made me fall in to this direction, this path.. this.
People need to stop playing hide and seek with my emotions; it's not a game.
People need to stop messing with me and my life around, stop fucking with my head, stop hurting me, just because I'm Sarah; stupid little unpopular 'good for nothing' Sarah, the girl whose mum wants her dead, family dictates her life, always been on the outside looking in and has a girlfriend who she loves far too much and it causes her more pain than anything..
Help.
I need help.
I'm considering counselling.
I need someone to talk to. To pour every inch of these tiny things that have been building up inside me for so long.
You don't know. You couldn't possibly know or understand , and I don't expect you to. That's okay. - But honestly, what can I do?
This lingering question keeps me up.. what can I do? when no one around me listens? or when they do, they don't understand..
Fake more smiles for the world to see, let the same mistakes happen again and again, keep taking the pain, the hurt, keep living like this, keep being.. me. Keep screaming, fighting, wandering helplessly, stuck in an abyss of darkness, not seeing the way to turn; stumbling and walking..
Some things, you can't even bring yourself to write. It's strange. They're just words; but words, can be taken in many ways, interpreted different by others, hurt other people more than they could hurt the person saying them. Words could be what ends it all.
I sometimes talk in riddles, or in complex sentences that makes it hard for people to understand what i mean. I'm sorry. I'm unhappy, plain and simple.
Whether I have someone who loves me more than I could possibly comprehend.. maybe that's part of the equation.
No, not maybe..it is. Everything is. Everything. My whole life, existence, choices, everything, is to blame for this.
I see no way out, or solution. I see no end. I don't really see anything; too many things keep clouding it.
You know how usually, people who are fucked up can't admit to the world they are? I think I am.
You've even said it. 'You' meaning someone I know.
Seeing as I took A level psychology, I blame my childhood. My environment. My surroundings. Not having a father figure. Having a fucked up family.
Having no friends. No one ever loving me. A chain of events leading so obviously in to a downhill spiral; no one caught me quick enough.
Why couldn't you? Why CAN'T you?
Catch me..
I don't want to fall...
You might be sitting here thinking, 'her childhood can't be that bad, compared to 'insert horrific child abuse cases, tragic stories, etc etc here' but you don't know, and you'll never know. Every one knows if you run a tap too long, it'll eventually overflow. That flow is hard to stop.
Constant abuse from your so called mother, two facedness of your so called family, unkind words from the person who loves you..
The hate. The tears. The anger. The spite.
Being treated like a child.
Never doing anything right.
Everyone putting you down.
Always having to answer to someone.
I'm sick of answering to people.
It's my life. Every one needs to stop trying to control me.
I don't know where this is going, I could write for hours and still never get across what i want to say.
I'm worried, about so many things. Dealing with so many things.
so many thoughts running through my mind, all the time, every second, of every day.
Sometimes i smile. Sometimes i breakdown. Sometimes i get angry.
Sometimes things run through my mind which shouldn't. I don't want them thoughts there.
Go away. Go away.
Take me away to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time..
I love how this doesn't make any sense to you reading. But it means everything to me.
I wish love didn't hurt so much, and I wish I wasn't always the one hurt.
I wish I could do something right for once.
I wish something could go right for once.
I wish i had never grown up, not because I 'can't deal with being an adult in the real world' as you'd say, but because I'm sicking of hearing that I 'can't' deal with it. That I'm worthless. A fuck-up. A loner. A loser. A nothing. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.
Who would want to be me.. really?
Even I don't want to be me.
I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
Ranting at 3am, always good.
I'm wandering through existence and soon I'll feel nothing.
I'll take the blows without pain, I'll take the words without hurt, I'll take the loneliness.
Help me, please.
My train is derailing and you're the only one who can stop it.
Please help me Paige. Please.
Do you understand now?
I need help. I need YOU to take care of ME.
Just for a while.
Please.
4 comments:
Sarah,
I understand how you're feeling. I have a dysfunctional and controlling mother and family as well...For me, I've learned not to give a shit about what they or anyone else thinks and to live my life how I want. You really need to seek help if you can because you are not alone, trust me! Hope this helps you girly. XOXO ;)
Sarah, your writing is beautiful, I know that it's not the point of the whole thing, but you wrote everything so impeccably, I'm really touched. You're so articulate. Let me tell you, I know you think that nobody knows how you feel, but I sincerely do know how you feel. I do, I promise you. Everybody has felt this way, in one way or another, suffocated in your own emotions and thoughts, yet feeling isolated by the whole world. Nobody cares for your feelings? Nobody loves you? Well, that's not true. I happen to know a few people that would disagree. You're not a loser, you're not a fuck-up, you're not nothing. You're someone's everything, and that is something. You're a great, beautiful, talented person, you have your whole life ahead of you to grow up, there's no need to rush, don't feel pressurised.You should love who you are, because that person is such an amazing individual, and it's a shame you don't see it. I hope one day, you will be happy with the person that you are, I hope one day, you will be care-free and living in peace. There's only one person that can make that happen and that's you. You need to release yourself from the prison cell that your mind has put you in and break free.
Be who you want to be and don't feel guilty. Just live...
You're incredible.
I don't know you, and I know you cannot know someone through videos because that's only tidbits of someone's life, but from what I've seen and read I've come to the conclusion that you're incredible.
Sometimes you just need someone to catch you, and I really hope that "the someone" in your life does.
I can't write to save my life, and I'm not trying to be poetic by not saying people's names, I just don't know you and I'm not going to go and tell you who I think needs to catch you.
Just, remember to breath when the going gets tough and as cliche as it sounds, remember that things get better.
I know some people scoff at the idea of counselling, but honestly, there are problems that are too big for kids to deal with. I know you're not a kid, and neither are your friends, but in the big scheme of things, 20 years old is still young. We may feel old, but we're still young and sometimes we just need a grown up to tell us what to do... and maybe for you an educated grownup who knows all about psychology is the right way to go.
This is a ramble. But, I hope you're okay.
Like I said, I don't know you, but I read what you wrote, and unless a person doesn't have a heart, they're going to want you to come out the other end with a smile on your face.
You're a beautiful person and deserve to be happy.
Don't give up on life. As silly as it sounds, life is a gift and to give up on it is like saying no the best birthday present in the world..
Just my opinion.
Stay safe <3.
P.S. Again, we don't know each other and I can't understand what you're going through at all because it's your life and everyone feels different, but if you ever need anything from a third party who is completely unbiased you can always shout for me and I'll try to help. Just ask for Elise.
I just read this. Sarah, I'm not pretending that I know how it feels to be you but I know what it feels like to feel alone even when you have people that love you. I have no advice because as far I can tell we're around the same age anyway, all I wanted to say is you're not alone in how you're feeling. I hope you've found a way to move forward and if you haven't please know that you have lots of people that admire you not only for youtube etc but for how you approach life. Anyway that's it. Lots of love and hugs x
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