It's frustrating that even though they are our own social networking sites and we have the free will to say what we feel on them, to use however we please; a place to vent, a diary; a place to share our thoughts and things that have happened.. we're still bound to secrecy by judgement and by the prying eyes who disagree and those who will do any thing to cease the words written. I'll be writing here soon.

4/4/2011

There's not going to be any 'wording this the right way' or anything, this is what's in my mind.. right now..

I'm always treated the same, by every one. I'm always the third wheel. Always dictated too. Always.. No matter who it is. In the end, whether they love me or not, I'm treated the same.
I've got to a point in my life now where.. I constantly see ways of getting out. It would be so easy.. It really doesn't take much. I've tried before.
I wish I didn't have to think like that, but too many things have made me fall in to this direction, this path.. this.
People need to stop playing hide and seek with my emotions; it's not a game.
People need to stop messing with me and my life around, stop fucking with my head, stop hurting me, just because I'm Sarah; stupid little unpopular 'good for nothing' Sarah, the girl whose mum wants her dead, family dictates her life, always been on the outside looking in and has a girlfriend who she loves far too much and it causes her more pain than anything..

Help.
I need help.
I'm considering counselling.
I need someone to talk to. To pour every inch of these tiny things that have been building up inside me for so long.
You don't know. You couldn't possibly know or understand , and I don't expect you to. That's okay. - But honestly, what can I do?
This lingering question keeps me up.. what can I do? when no one around me listens? or when they do, they don't understand..
Fake more smiles for the world to see, let the same mistakes happen again and again, keep taking the pain, the hurt, keep living like this, keep being.. me. Keep screaming, fighting, wandering helplessly, stuck in an abyss of darkness, not seeing the way to turn; stumbling and walking..

Some things, you can't even bring yourself to write. It's strange. They're just words; but words, can be taken in many ways, interpreted different by others, hurt other people more than they could hurt the person saying them. Words could be what ends it all.

I sometimes talk in riddles, or in complex sentences that makes it hard for people to understand what i mean. I'm sorry. I'm unhappy, plain and simple.
Whether I have someone who loves me more than I could possibly comprehend.. maybe that's part of the equation.
No, not maybe..it is. Everything is. Everything. My whole life, existence, choices, everything, is to blame for this.
I see no way out, or solution. I see no end. I don't really see anything; too many things keep clouding it.

You know how usually, people who are fucked up can't admit to the world they are? I think I am.
You've even said it. 'You' meaning someone I know.
Seeing as I took A level psychology, I blame my childhood. My environment. My surroundings. Not having a father figure. Having a fucked up family.
Having no friends. No one ever loving me. A chain of events leading so obviously in to a downhill spiral; no one caught me quick enough.
Why couldn't you? Why CAN'T you?
Catch me..
I don't want to fall...

You might be sitting here thinking, 'her childhood can't be that bad, compared to 'insert horrific child abuse cases, tragic stories, etc etc here' but you don't know, and you'll never know. Every one knows if you run a tap too long, it'll eventually overflow. That flow is hard to stop.

Constant abuse from your so called mother, two facedness of your so called family, unkind words from the person who loves you..
The hate. The tears. The anger. The spite.
Being treated like a child.
Never doing anything right.
Everyone putting you down.
Always having to answer to someone.

I'm sick of answering to people.
It's my life. Every one needs to stop trying to control me.

I don't know where this is going, I could write for hours and still never get across what i want to say.
I'm worried, about so many things. Dealing with so many things.
so many thoughts running through my mind, all the time, every second, of every day.
Sometimes i smile. Sometimes i breakdown. Sometimes i get angry.
Sometimes things run through my mind which shouldn't. I don't want them thoughts there.
Go away. Go away.

Take me away to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time..

I love how this doesn't make any sense to you reading. But it means everything to me.

I wish love didn't hurt so much, and I wish I wasn't always the one hurt.
I wish I could do something right for once.
I wish something could go right for once.

I wish i had never grown up, not because I 'can't deal with being an adult in the real world' as you'd say, but because I'm sicking of hearing that I 'can't' deal with it. That I'm worthless. A fuck-up. A loner. A loser. A nothing. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.
Who would want to be me.. really?
Even I don't want to be me.

I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
Ranting at 3am, always good.

I'm wandering through existence and soon I'll feel nothing.
I'll take the blows without pain, I'll take the words without hurt, I'll take the loneliness.

Help me, please.
My train is derailing and you're the only one who can stop it.
Please help me Paige. Please.
Do you understand now?

I need help. I need YOU to take care of ME.
Just for a while.

Please.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

I've used that quote before, in an old blog post of mine, and I don't really see how it relates to what I am going to be saying, but I just like the quote. It's very true.

I'm not sure where this blog post will start, or how it's going to end. I'm typing what comes to mind, and half of it will probably not make sense to you, the reader; so, I'm sorry. Here we go..

Have you ever been at a point in your life, where you sit there and think, would I really miss out on anything if I wasn't here? No one would miss me, I wouldn't miss out on anything and the world would just carry on without me, turning and turning?
I can't even put in to words what I'm actually feeling. I'm sick of what I have to deal with, I'm sick of what my life has become. I hate it. You don't understand :(

I don't want to write any more. It would take too many words to write what i'm feeling; what I'm thinking; what I want to say.
The walls are crumbling, one by one, me stuck in the middle, watching the destruction..
Help.

I remember when I was 5; always playing 'grown ups'... I loved that game. Everything seemed so easy back then. It was always easier in the scabby knees, packed lunch days; when you could make friends with any one so easily, and you weren't judged by appearance, interests, personality... you were just, you, and every one liked you for that because they didn't know any different.

Why back then, did I want to be a grown up? What was so appealing? Was is that I could boss every one around? I could do what I wanted? I didn't have to listen to any one? I would be a big girl. ...Sure, I have independence. I have freedom. I'm out living my own life, trying to find my place in this world but, I'd much rather be six, worrying about who would sit with me at the lunch table than dealing with life.
That sounds pathetic. I always look back on my childhood and wish I could relive it over and over again. You don't realise how easy you have it as a kid.

I don't know where I'm going with this point.
I want to fall down a rabbit hole and find wonderland.
Fly to Neverland with peter pan.
Sail out to sea with Robinson Crusoe...

I hate being the oldest. Always having to make the decisions.
I hate knowing I have to handle everything.
I hate where i live.
I hate the constant worrying.
I hate how my family are still trying to be just as controlling as they were.
I hate the fights.
I hate loving someone so much it hurts.
I hate having to try and please so many people.
I hate dealing with bitchiness.
i hate how people judge me.
I hate having so many things to hate in my life.

On the upperhand, I have so many things to be thankful for.
My beautiful girlfriend.
The fact my family, in some sense, support me.
My health. The roof over our heads.Youtube. Friends..
I love you all.

It;s like a puzzle; I find pieces constantly misplaced and it's hard to find them..and piece my life together again.
You won't know the ups and downs of my life, and I don't intend to write a hardbook novel to explain them to you.

I'm just threw with this constant fake smile the majority of the time.
I don't even know any more.

I love her. I know that for sure.
That's it.

Options change/chances fade/ trains derail...

Rant over, I guess.

I remember...

I remember...

I remember the days of running; running so fast that I thought my legs would fall off...

I remember exploring the woods, hoping to catch a glimpse of the faeries..

I remember spinning so fast, 'round and around and around. I fell to the ground..

I remember gazing up to the sky, and seeing what shapes the clouds could make...

I remember dreaming of all the things I wanted to be when I grew up..

I remember the time, when nothing mattered...

I remember not feeling sad, because through a child's eyes, they always see happiness and hope above all else..

I remember not being afraid to ask lots of questions, and listening carefully to the grown ups answer...

I remember playschool. Making friends within seconds, never falling out, just playing, not caring...

I remember never being nervous...never afraid to do what most adults would never do.

I remember my colouring books. scribbling outside the lines, not afraid that it wasn't perfect...

I remember learning to read, tying my shoes and learning to tell the time..

I remember pocket money, and making christmas lists of all the things i wanted..

I rememeber beIieving in santa claus...

I remember struggling with the times table and thinking school was the hardest thing in this world..

But the hardest thing in this world, it to live in it.

I remember thinking I wanted to grow up
But now, I'm not so sure.

Where's Peter Pan? Isn't it time to go to Neverland?

Outside looking in..

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.”

That illusion always falters, always.

I know I can't possibly know what to be completely alone really feels like because to be perfectly honest, I've never truly been alone. But you can be surrounded by so many others, and still feel completely trapped, isolated, unheard...alone.

I've never been popular. I've never fitted in. I know it's not about the 'fitting in' but for once, I would just like to know where i stand. I've always been the one forgotten when party invitations were given out, or left out of conversation, left out of games; everything in general, it was always me.

Right now I feel more alone than ever.
Two close friends, whom i love so much are here for me and understand everything but i come home alone every day from college and i'm back to feeling alone.
You. You're miles away. Miles away when i need you. I feel so lost without you here to catch me when I fall, to cuddle me and say everything is going to be okay, and to hug me to sleep...

Alone.
You may or may not know what's been going on in my life lately, but just know, nothing is okay. I'm good at faking smiles, but deep down, I feel like crying, screaming, kicking the walls, breaking things...doing things i shouldn't.
But i promised you I wouldn't do that, didn't I? .. i'm keeping it..just....

It just feels like I'm being left out of everything. Three's a crowd. I'm left out.
I feel left out and i just cant explain it. I feel like i have no one. Whether you say I have people that are always here for me, they're not truly here, with me... it's amazing, but it's not enough.

When you love some one so much you get jealous. They get jealous back and I cant help feeling left out when certain friendships form and they get to close. Jealously can be a good thing though, it just means i care, okay? ..

left out. left out. left out.

Breaking up from college tomorrow.
Then i'll have no one. Nothing.

I hate my family. They hate me. I love you. I want you here.

Thank you to every one who is so lovely and supporting me though, I really do appreciate it.

i cant explain this well at all, but everything in my life, I just don't seem to be a part of any more.
i'm always the one left out. always. even with the people i love the most.

Enough ranting. I'm typing in the dark and can't see...

I'm sick of this. Sick of everything.

You make me wanna die...

I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world..

Alone.

Alone. I have no one. At least, not here any way.
No one to hold me when I'm sad. No one to pick me up when I'm feeling down.
No on to tell me everything is going to be okay. No one that understands...
The one and only person who truly cares about me is miles away. I need her right now/
Everything is such a mess. I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish...that one particular thing had never happened. Ever.
People say 'you learn from you mistakes' but, how can we learn from this? It's tearing us apart. Slowly. But I'm not letting go.
Try as hard as you like but she means the world to me and i love her more than you could possibly understand. You're not gonna get us.

You started this. You caused the problems, the anger, the tears...
and yet we get the blame. We can't fix this.

One day you might understand what you did, the mistake you made and it will make you realise how cruel you really are.You think it was us who made the mistake of falling in love; but it was you. Your actions. Your words. Your fault. Not ours.

These are our lives, so let us live them the way we want to. No judgement. Let us be happy. Please.

I want to fly to a place, where it's just you and me. Nobody else, so we can finally be free....

12/04/09

Happiness is never stopping to think if you are. That's how i know, that at this precise moment in time; I am in fact happy.
This is all down to just one individual. Most people think, that themselves alone, cannot impact another person, no matter how small or great the impact is. But they're wrong. Just one person, one tiny individual in this world of billions of others, can change your life in ways that you could never imagine. I've always found it interesting how, there are people out in the world, that right now you just don't know, but some day you'll meet; and possibly stay in each others lives for a brief period of time or for good. People come in to our lives for a reason. I believe you did. It's strange to think that I lived my life for so long without knowing you even existed and now, just this thought it just too hard to bare. You're such a big part of my life now; i begin to wonder what exactly my life was without you. I thought my puzzle was complete and yet somehow, there you were. The extra piece to my puzzle. If you lose just the one piece, you can't complete it. That's why I never want to lose you. You're too precious, and I just wouldn't be whole without you here, now that you're in my life, I can't let go...
You may be miles away but in true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged, so really, it's nothing. I'm hugging you right now and you don't even know it...
Your friendship and love isn't a big thing to me; it's a million little things. You truly do kindle my heart. I will love you forever.
Growing up, we think we want our prince charming, our castle, our kingdom, toys, and anything and everything money can buy. But, money can't buy you. It can't buy what we have. It can't truly buy how happy you make me, how....much I truly love you. Money is useless because it can't give me anything that near compares to what i've already got; and that's you baby...
When we were younger, we all wanted three wishes. We'd always wish for a thousand more wishes on our third wish. But, you know something? I only need one right now. Just one wish; that even though we may not be together forever or if distance separates us and we go our separate ways, I wish that you will never stop loving me, because I know that i never will stop loving you. You will be in my heart forever. I want to spend my life with you...but no matter how big or small a part of it you are or will be in the distance future, you'll always be there. Live your life knowing that you have made me happier than anything or any one else ever has, or ever will. Know that for as long as I live, that I will love you will all my heart, all my soul, and everything i have because you mean more to me than anything. You could offer me the world but I wouldn't blink and eye lid because I have you. And to you, nothing compares.....you will be in my life forever. Nothing can make you disappear....
I love you. never forget...

21/12/2009

hello. you've possibly forgotten that I existed seeing as i never post on this lovely thing anymore.
the whole of the internet seems to preoccupy me; and I don't see the point in boring people with my daily goings on and life issues, oh wait, i already do that on youtube so, go see me there. 'kay?
i may continue to use this blog, or maybe not but if you want to find me and stalk me then just search 'sarahxxlou' in my best friend google and it shall tell you all you need to know.
in the words of gossip girl, ttyl, xoxo.

31/10/09

23:37
In my room. Exhausted but happy.

I went to the halloween youtube gathering in London today and I really enjoyed it!
I love being in London surrounded by awesome people and being able to go wherever I want whenever I want.
Youtube has enabled me to meet to many lovely people. I love this.
I met up with people that I've seen a number of times before and whom I love but also met some other amazing peeps! especially Verity (verityathedisco) who was so nice and yea...LOVEYOUVERITY<3
The downside of going to London.
You smell like pollution, smoke and alcohol when you get home, ugh. ;']
Oh and the underground is always seriously overcrowded!
La la laaaa, righto, I'm off to sleeeeep!
G'night fellow interwebz people!
-Sarah x

20/10/09

I'm currently sitting in my room watching a scene from West Side Story and trying to imitate a puerto rican accent; it's difficult.
We have to re-enact a scene from west side story for drama [a duologue] and we have to do accents, have costumes and everything. It's fun! but the accent is so hard to grasp.
Even though I'm a massive fan of musicals, I don't actually like west side story in the slightest but we have to do it as part of the syllabus so I guess I'll have to learn to love it.
Sorry, randomly talking about college there. Doing homework that's why. Yes...I'm multi-tasking; blog writing and homework :)

I seem to be neglecting my blog an awful lot lately; I just don't seem to have the time to write. Either that or I have too much I want to write but would just rather put it in a vlog on youtube.

College is awesome. I love it so much. My course, the work, assignments, my class, my friends, the trips, lecturers are all great! yes, they're are downsides like all parts of education but, I really enjoy it. Best thing ever getting accepted on to the course.

Last week I saw 'Annie get your gun' with my class (Little vic theatre in London) and it starred one of my favourite actresses Jan Horrocks [from the film 'little voice'] and she was outstanding as 'Annie Oakley'; also the leading guy 'Frank' reminded me of John Barrowman (not as good looking though but still...) he had a topless scene which was...nice, haha :p
Overall, it was a fantastic show! we saw it in preview week and it was their first show but it was well worth going to see!

I haven't really got that much to write at the moment. Busy with real life I s'pose ;)
I shall write a more interesting blog soon-ish people!

Sarah x

30/09/09

It's the end of September. Where does time go? wow. Time seems to be flying by so fast!
Thought I'd write a blog to commemorate the end of September :)
So far, my musical theatre course has been excellent. My class is lovely! very nice bunch of people and we all get on so well! mainly because we're all musical geeks but whatever...
My lecturer and also a musical theatre fanatic [who held my audition] is also very nice!...strict, but humorous and knows how to make a lesson entertaining (unlike most teachers!)
So far we've done dance, voice lessons, singing lessons, performance workshops, improvisations, historical context classes and loads more; it's really awesome and EXACTLY what I wanted to do.
I've never really done much dance before but now we're expected to do ballet, tap, jazz dance and others to a certain level for shows and things! but it's all so great, just can't express in words how much I love it!
I can talk about wicked as much as I want and no one gets annoyed [not that I do :p] but we all have the same interests and types of personality so it's a lovely atmosphere to be in!
Very short blog I know but just thought I should say it's all going great and well...that's about it!

Sarah x

22/09/09

Today was...
Today was......

Today was immense. Everything just seemed to fall into place.
For so many months this university lark has dragged on; felt like it was getting no where.
I started the ICT course and hated it with a passion. Even though I was rejected from degree courses, I knew that I wanted to study dramatic arts in whatever way I could. - I won't go through the story, you already know the ins and outs.
I find a new college that had opened, they offered a musical theatre course and after contacting a vast amount of people, I was finally offered an audition. It was today.
Walking in to a theatre with two men sitting at the front can be very daunting; even though they were both very welcoming and lovely. I was asked tons of questions, mainly about musicals which I found amusing.
I walked in carrying my WICKED songbook; this sparked conversation. The lecturer wanted to know how much I knew about my favourite musicals, the backgrounds, the actors, and not just the songs and why I wanted to do musical theatre. He himself is very passionate about musicals; hence him being a musical theatre teacher (go figure!) so he asked who my favourite 'Glinda' was and who my favourite 'Elphaba' was; who played Grace Farrell in the Disney version of Annie, who played the original Annie on broadway; what year was the first film made; who played Jemima in the film 'Chitty chitty bang bang', what date did wicked open on broadway - and somehow, I knew the answers. I'm just fanatical about musicals, heeheee.
I then needed to tell him my GCSE results, previous experiences etc. So, that was just the easy part. Then came...the singing.
Need I say scary? Blimey, it was simply nerve-wracking singing, in the centre of a large room, with two men, one playing piano, the other studying you intently, ahh, jeez. I sang 'for good' from WICKED. He then wanted to hear another song, so I sang 'Loathing' (he called it loathing but in fact it is ;'what is this feeling'! ha. I sang Glinda's part whilst he sort of spoke Elphaba's part...[I'm guessing he isn't much of a singer then but hey...maybe it was just because it was a girls part... ;']
So I sang. They said they liked my voice. Nice control and range. I was happy. Then came, THE MONOLOGUE.
I recited a monologue from Alice in Wonderland. Pretending to fall down a rabbit's hole is not easy but...I did it (after forgetting a small line at one point..)
I was told 'I was a great canvas on which to work' i have the skills and 'talent' just need to be taught the right techniques. I was offered a place. I jumped with joy. Never have I been so happy about something. OHMIOZ. WAHEY!
So. I'm starting my musical theatre course tomorrow. I have lessons in jazz, dance performance, principle acting, singing, vocal training, musical theatre performance, performance workshops and the history side of coutse. Can't wait.

I had to have an ID card printed. So I now have two different ID cards; I better cut the other one up or something...

Everyone there was so so so helpful and organised, and knew what they were talking about [unlike the other establishment]
I got my EMA sorted out, my timetable, freshers pack and everything. All I need now is to buy the uniform shirt for drama and that's it. I've ordered new jazz shoes and bought dance trousers so YAY, I'm all set and I couldn't be happier [yes...'tis a song from wicked haaaaha]

ALSO! I walked in the college doors today and a girl said to be 'OHMYGOD YOU'RE SARAHXXLOU!' so I turned around and was like 'erm yea HI!' it was really weird, but awesome! people know me, I feel honoured. I love you guys.
SO thought I should let you know my news, as I have many of you to thank for telling me to follow my dreams, do what I wanted to do and do drama :)

Much love and peace,
Sarah xx

17/09/09

Good news. After contacting many different people regarding getting my ICT course changed, I finally got somewhere!
I have an audition for a musical theatre course on Tuesday at 9:00am. I'm so happy. I really want to get through on to the course! I want this so badly!
I have to sing a song of my choice (must be from musicals) and have a short monologue prepared. I chose an 'Alice in Wonderland' monologue from when Alice falls down the rabbit hole. Need to start memorising it...
I still haven't decided on a song choice though. It'll be something from Wicked, just...don't know what.
So, this made my day. Finally getting a chance to apply for drama/musical theatre. Yay!
Right now I'm watching Ghost whisperer so I'm going to go.
Short blog but just thought I should let you all know considering how many blog posts I've written about this particular dilemma.

Sarah x

16/09/09

I don't want to be here. 'Here' as in, in this seminar room, studying for a HND in computing. I've done one day of the course so far, and I hate it. Not just because I'm fussy, or not interested but, because it's nothing to do with what I want to do in life, or aspire to be. This course is all about making softwarem codes, programming, databases, making systems; I can't and don't want to do this. It's not for me. I'm not going to repeat the whole situation I've been in for a while, but if you've read other blog posts of mine, you should understand. Drama or film were my main choices, got rejected. ICT non-degree course was the last resort. But now, this university offers a new performing arts course so, I'm going to try my luck and see if I can get it changed. I know I've wrote this before in a previous post, but the website that gives details of the new courses is down, and so I didn't know if they really did offer a new drama course here or not, but now I know they do. So, this lunch, I'm going to the admissions office; see if I can get this sorted. I want to change to drama. If I can't; I'm dropping out, end of. I'm not wasting £3000 doing a course that I don't want to do and won't benefit me in any way.
So, whatever happens today can hopefully get this sorted once and for all.
Class is starting again.
Got to go.
This should be a fun seminar.
Sense the sarcasm.
Take me home.

14:56-

I've just walked out of my course. 'unofficially' walked out anywho. It was lunch time and I just...never went back.
Basically, I went to the admissions office in the building, hoping to get some advice, and they couldn't help me at all. They told me to go to the new building that's just been built for the college/university. I said to them that I had no idea where that was; all she did was point out the window and say 'it's two rows behind and parallel to this building' - thanks for the great directions. So I spent ages trying to find the building and once I finally found it, I went to go inside but I couldn't even get in. There were crowds of students outside queuing. I found out it was an induction or something so there was no way I would be able to find someone to help me today; the staff had too much to deal with. So, my plan of action. I'm going back tomorrow to try and see some about changing my course; if it turns out I can't change it, then I'm dropping out and having a gap year; then I'm going to start applying to drama schools for September 2010 :)

Lets hope everything works out! ;D

Sarah x

09/09/09

[posted on my tumblr but I thought I'd post it here]
http://sarahinwonderlandd.tumblr.com/

I only ‘provisionally’ enrolled at University; why? because no one told me I needed to bring photographic ID.

They gave me no timetable. No code of conduct. No look at facilities. No information. I met no other students. Couldn’t get my ID card as the printer broke. THEY’VE TOLD ME NOTHING!!!

I never received a letter through the post with instructions or anything! only the date of registration. I'm not living at uni or anything so I don't need ID for residency so, didn't even think of taking ID.

I didn't have to register to college o anything because I stayed at my school's sixth form, so, I've never registered for education before. So, it would have been nice to have been informed on what to bring.

I feel lost.

I even had to ask when my course started. They were so unhelpful.

So uni starts on Tuesday; room 378, at 9am, in some random big builiding.

Oh gee wiz, this should be fun -_-

08/09/09

So, I've just found out that the university campus I was going to has been closed down and has reopened somewhere else, in to a new building (not that much further away but still..)
The new building apparently has more modern facilities, more facilities in general, it's bigger so can fit more students and now caters for more courses, yay!
& this affects me how?
Well, you know the story about my courses and things don't you? If not, look here: http://tinyurl.com/nx6ntm read it, then come back :) otherwise, you probably won't understand what I'm writing about..

Carrying on. The new campus offers a range of new courses, including performing arts at non-degree level which I want to do! (I didn't have enough points to opt for the degree course so hey-ho..)
I'm hoping at registration tomorrow that I can find out if I can switch courses and do performing arts instead of ICT! (computing) because I really don't want to do ICT but it's the only thing they offered me which I wanted to do in the slightest...
So yes, I hope they let me change, or find more information about it! let's pray they do...

Conversation between my grandad and myself:

(talking about going to registration, questions to ask etc) - SIMPLIFIED DOWN, BRIEF, IN A NUTSHELL - The conversation/argument went on for a while...

-Sarah: So tomorrow I'll try and find out about the performing arts course and see if I can switch.
-grandad: No, see, I'm not happy about that, I don't want you to do that.
-Sarah: why not? that's what I applied for originally so what's the problem?
-Grandad: Because all the people on TV and the academics say it is a mickey mouse degree, you'll never get anywhere with it, we'll have wasted our money sending you to university and you won't benefit in the slightest out of taking the course.
-Sarah: But it's something I really want to do! I'm not happy in the slightest about studying ict at university...
-Grandad: Performing arts is rubbish, you have to be REALLY good to get anywhere with it, most people who take it end up working in mcdonalds instead of in the performing arts industry; it's a bloody waste of time. Look at all these failed actors, people who never made it. Not a worthy course at all.
-Sarah: But you never know if you'll get anywhere unless you try! I might be that one in every hundred to get something out of it! You never know! If everyone had that attitude there wouldn't be any actors, westend shows, tv programs, anything! you can hardly say it's a mickey mouse lame degree/course, so many people take it!
-Grandad: yes and so many people fail!
-Nan: she could always do film editing?
-Grandad: ha, look how hard it is to get a job in that industry - film studies is worse than drama, there are no jobs for anyone who graduates in that field.
-Sarah: So what about film critics, film editors, directors, people involved within the making of the films, on the set etc, what about those people?
-Grandad: those are only a few in a hundred, YOU won't get anywhere...besides, if you did performing arts there would be no way we could afford to finance it!
-Sarah: but drama costs the same as training for computing does...
-Grandad: yes, but I refuse to finance something that is a waste of time, you can finance it on your own if you want to waste you life doing things like that.

*I go upstairs*

Grandad: for crying out loud, everyone her ages wants to be an actress, singer, pop star etc, it's a bloody hobby not a real job, she won't get anywhere with it...
*I shout down the stairs*
-Sarah: none of my IRL like drama, being in front of camera, the idea of being a westend actress, just me, so how can you say the EVERYONE my age wants to be an actress? bit far-fetched isn't it?!
*then he goes on to talk about AGAIN how you can't make it in the dramatic arts industry*
-Sarah: Well, in one of my musical programmes (WICKED to be exact) it says one of the leading actresses (Dianne Pilkington) was going to university to study an academic subject, then at the last minute, realised it just wasn't for her, so decided to do drama and look where she has ended up! on the westend stage! now I know that's only one out of-
Grandad: YES, EXACTLY! ONE OUT OF HUNDREDS! She was lucky YOU won't be.
Sarah: Well, you never know until you try. This course could lay some foundation for experience, I could then apply for RADA!
Grandad: even people at RADA hardly ever get aywhere...
Sarah: Well, I don't care. I don't have that attitude. I love acting. Musical theatre. My passions. I'll never know until I try.
*came upstairs to write this*

Help me.
What do I do if I find out I can switch to drama.
Do I decide not to because of what my grandad said or do I do it anyway.

I'm stuck.

Sarah x

04/09/09

I'm just talking to my friend Billie, and the discussion we were having, really got me thinking.

Billie doesn't make videos because of what other people at her school might say. They'll probably hurl abuse at her, ridicule her, make her life a misery and always bring up the topic of youtube. I know what that's like, to a certain degree. For your whole school to know, to feel like people are always talking about you; people telling the teachers that 'you're on youtube' and then the teachers going home, searching you and bringing it up in class. It's not that great. Girl schools are really bitchy and people don't even try to understand; they just gang up and bitch, bring people down. I hate it. Any way, not the point of this blog.

Why do we even feel the need to listen to what others have to say? why do we care what they think?! It's stupid. I wish everyone could just do what they wanted without getting shunned by society and the cliques within it. Why do some people think they're better than others and think they have the right to tell people what to do or bring them down? they bloody well don't. It's about time we learnt not to pay attention to these sort of people in life, it's our life, our choices, our decision, we do what we want to do and shouldn't be dictated to or stop doing what we love or want to because of certain people.

Going back to the school issue. You probably won't know these people after you leave school, so who cares if they pick on you, make snide comments, think what you do is stupid; they won't know you and you won't know them after those lovely years of education, you only have to deal with them for a while, then you've got the rest of you life ahead without them. School can suck, the people there can be bitches, it's just....life.

I think some people are born different. Born to stand out, to be the one who makes videos on youtube or collects stamps for a hobby or enjoys listening to classical music instead of the latest pop chart hits. What's wrong with that? Absolutely, 100 percent nothing. Different is good. Different means you're not the same, You stand out. You're going to get noticed. Not them, you, and you alone because you made that stand to be different. You'll be living your dream, whilst the others are left behind in their own similar worlds where everyone lives by societies standards and is the same; where people are frowned upon for being different.

You know me, WICKED musical fan here, so I like this expression. 'green and proud'. Elphaba in wicked was born green; people ridiculed her, treated her badly, her own father hated her and yet, despite her different appearance, she was more good natured, and kinder than all of the others put together. She was green and proud; proud to be who she was.
So yes, I'm proud to be 'green' and you should to.

I'll continue to make videos on youtube for as long as I care to do so, no matter what other people say.
I've met some lovely people, I'm part of a great community and I love every minute of it. The others are missing out.
I've got it all. People know my name, but they don't know the others names, do they?
Be different. Make a stand. Show the world the real you, ignore the others.
Be GREEN and PROUD.

Sarah xxx

03/09/09

You're mind goes blank when you haven't written a blog in so long; hard to focus. Everything I write is always so long and tedious so, where do I start?
Well, firstly I actually just had to count on my fingers what month September was, Sarah, it's the ninth month; I knew that. I haven't written a blog since 12th July, wow, how time flies ! honestly it does, it all just seems a blur. What have I been doing with my time?! That question wasn't rhetorical, I need an answer :)
The beginning is usually a good place to start, unless you're like me and read the ending of a book first to find out what happens...I have no idea why I do that! *achem* any way, moving swiftly on...
The Beginning. Instead of boring you with the miniscule details of my life, I shall focus on the better parts or rather, the parts I actually remember. So, since we last spoke, or shall I say, the last time you read the ins and outs of my life, I have been up to some very amazing things and some life changing events have occurred.

I got a place in my first choice university, so YAY ME. Very excited. Although, I wish I could be doing drama or musical theatre, or film studies, or creative events, ANYTHING BUT ICT. I'm very in to the 'arts' but could rejected from doing them because I didn't have enough UCAS 'points' which sucks, dearly, but you know, I shall look on the brighter side of things, I can always join the drama club, choir and things right? I need to do drama somehow, it's my lifeee. By the way, ICT is computing incase you didn't know, yea, um, lovely.

A LEVELS! So, my results were not as expected. You can work, work, work and still not get what you deserve. Life's a bitch. I got an A for my film studies coursework though which I'm happy with!! (the horror film trailer I made, which is on youtube) so that is a great achievement! I also got an A for the horror section of our exam (I have a weird passion for horror films so go figure right? haha) and I got Bs for the other film paper!
Other subjects, I shall not discuss. Screw them all. I revised my ass of, and still, NADA. Grrr, whatever. Again, brighter side, I got in to uni though, so it's all gooood!

Registration day is 9th September - no idea when we actually start; bit nervous and unaware of what awaits me, but I look forward to it aswell! I want to meet new people, mingle, learn new skills, take part in more clubs and I wonder...will they have sororities? Hmm. Not sure I want to be bossed around by a bunch of valley girls for a week to see If I get in but you never know, if they did have one, I may um, take part...we steal things from Americans, :p

University awaits me. Freshers week should be good! daunting but awesome. Should I take my camera? or would that be weird? I vote for uber weirdness....CREEPY GIRL WITH A CAMERA, RUUUUUUN! Yea. I'm not sure I'll mention the whole 'youtube deal', or it could make a good icebreaker? - 'I make videos on the internet' 'REALLY?! so you're like a pervert?!' 'Um no.' or not..

So university, A levels results, okay so that leaves, summer holidays :)

We didn't go abroad. I didn't see any school friends. I didn't do hardly anything BUT, the two things I did do, were awesome, and so, I had a good summer.
SUMMER IN THE CITY was AH-mazing. It was basically the biggest UK youtube gathering so far hosted by littleradge, rhymingwithoranges and randomprodinc, held in London over three days, so good! I stayed for all 3 days. I stayed in a hostel with Beckie0 and omgoctopus (Beckie & Rosy) and it was lovely :)
Friday we met in Southbank by the london eye and saw loads of cool people, then in the evening we went in the 'fright club' which was so scary! you get locked in this room and zombies chase you and stuff in the dark, good stuff!
Saturday we was in Hyde park for fun and games and had the a massive circle (biggest in the universe?) in which we played pass the parcel ! then we split off in to groups and our group ventured all around London, played dodgems (Billie if youre reading this I quote, 'WE'RE GONNNA DIEEEEE!!!!' *High pitch scream*, got scared by pigeons, went in the trocadero and most importantly, went to the 'dress circle shop' - the best shop in the history of shops, in my opinion.
Y'all know I'm crazy about musicals, well this shop, is a shop about musicals! merchandise galore! I spent £60.00 in there, oops, but so worth it! I must go there again, SOONISH.
Another highlight of the Saturday was waiting outside the WICKED stage doors and meeting all the cast! I finally got a picture and autograph from Glinda (Dianne Pilkington) YAYY. I met Oliver Tompsett for the third time, Alexia Khadime, Madame Morrible and the wizard, oh and the new Nessa-Rose! :) Yes, I'll shutup about wicked now....I've got five programmes, three signed ones and pictures with the cast and a ton of merchandise, wooo ;D WICKED! no pun intended!

I'm writing in the dark and so I can't see the keys, so I'm typing without looking so ignore spelling mistakes or weird typos.
Other stuff.
Oh and SITC sunday was good also, there is a video on my youtube channel with all the gathering footage so, go watch!

I went up North for three days as well in the Summer to visit my oh-so lovely friend Amber! 'twas an Awesome weekend; we went to Wales, church oh and to the shops in our pjs, ohhh fun times.

I went on a family Holiday to a Haven Holiday park. The. worst. holliday. of. my life. Seriously. Ugh,
I won't go in to detail but, it was awful. The camp sucked.

There's no point me going in to terrific detail about what I did, as it is much easier to say it all in a video, right? yes.

My life isn't all happy sappy at the moment, I actually just broke down crying on the Sunday night because as soon as I got back from summer in the city, I got a lecture and moaned at and again I realised how not-so-perfect my life is.
I don't have a great social life, or money to spend, or people to see; my family always has problems, I don't have anything amazing to do with my life but right now, I'm content and just taking every day as it comes. Carpe diem. Seize the day.

I shall go now, and I promise to write more continuously now. Insightful blogs are yet to come. Meaningful ones. Rants. I don't know. I've got this bandwidth, it's knowing what to do with it ;p

I love you guys. Thanks for your kindness and support (most of you, not the ones who call me fat, ugly, repulsive, impersonate me, set up hate channels) but everyone else, I love you, god bless, good night.

Sarah xx

12/07/09

I get annoyed at myself when I complain and worry about things that are so trivial compared to a lot of other people's problems.
I get annoyed at the people that seem to be so carefree - not a worry in the world.
Some worry about that fact that they have a tiny curl on one strand of hair, and freak out when their straighteners break whilst some worry about the fact that they may not see the dawn of another day. One person may worry and complain that they're getting fat, others long for the food we greedily consume.
In some ways, the people that have less than us, are so much better off in many ways. They don't want more. They want what they need to survive. Nothing more, nothing less. They don't waste their time worrying about small, unimportant things; they worry about survival, money, their children, whilst we live our lives complaining about the things that don't really matter.
It feels like when I complain, I shouldn't be complaining because there are people in the world who have so much more to think about, bigger problems, tougher decisions. However small and diminutive our own problems are, they always seem so much more when we're the ones dealing with them.
I worry about the future. Not today, not tomorrow, but the future. Now this seems ludicrous. Others have to take it day by day, they can't assume they have a future, or they can't imagine anything bigger or different in their future and yet, here we are, always looking to the future, worrying, worrying, worrying what the future holds. I do still live life to the full, taking every day as it comes, but sometimes, you can't help thinking, what will happen in the future? Can I deal with the stress of life to come? You honestly just don't know.
The pressure of getting a good career, nice house, making your family proud, graduating from university, passing your driving test, getting a boyfriend, marriage, responsibility...not being a kid any more, can be quite daunting.
I miss the days of being carefree, as free as in the wind. Spinning round in flower filled meadows, pulling kites, lying on the grass looking up at the clouds, listening to the quiet trickle of the babbling brooke. Sure, it sounds...tacky, but I like it. I like the idea of Neverland - you never grow up. If only dreams could become a reality, right? I wish.
The point of this blog is that, lately, I just keep thinking about all these things that I have to do, be prepared for, and also worrying about things that I shouldn't even need to be worrying about.
Some may sit and cry themselves to sleep at night because that boy wasn't the one, whilst the lady with cancer with two kids lying in the hospital is staying strong, not worrying, not thinking; just praying.
Microscopic problems, yet, we all lie awake thinking about the 'ifs' the 'buts' - I think we should just go with the flow.
Think of the amount of things we worry about on a daily basis and comprehend just how many of those things actually need worrying about. Probably not half of them. Seize the day, carpe diem. I'm trying to convince myself to do this.
I need to stop worrying about things, just get on and do it.
Life is life, it isn't easy. If it was, it wouldn't be worth living. You'd never work for what you really wanted. Where's the fun in that?
My blog starts of to be about one thing and can end up being about something else, but, I don't know.
Worrying never gets your anywhere. Every time you worry, think about the people who are sure to have much bigger problems than you, and think how they're dealing with it. They're not bursting in to tears, breaking down, getting depressed, crying themselves to sleep at night, thinking endlessly about it; they're dealing with it, focusing on the good things, getting on with their lives the best they can.
Stop worrying. Start living.
Live is worth it.

Sarah x